Untilted #37

Why do artists have pieces of work that are untitled? An untitled symphony or painting or a poem. I don't understand. Does it elevate the artsy-fartsy element to the piece? Years later someone comments about the piece with, "This is from his Untitled period. He was resisting labels."

I resist labels and embrace them, depending on how good it sounds at the time. I accept the labels of child of God, husband and father. My job title I accept because it's temporary. The label of filmmaker I wrestle with. Sometimes I believe it and other times I don't. I'm a little like the guy in Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold". Up then down, wrong then right. And I was definitely wrong about my wife. Amidst my inactivity and uncertainty I forgot how much she supports me. I forgot how much she loves me and wants this for me. I forgot to believe in her and the marriage we have built.

Two weeks ago we were discussing where we would like to buy a house, Bay Area or LA. For years she has wanted to move down south in order to be closer to her family. I said no because it's LA. Well, after many visits, it's grown on me. And it is the home of the film industry. I was ready to make the move. I could enroll in a screenwriting course, tap into some contacts, and jump start my career. "The future looks bright. I gotta wear shades."

Buying a home here means we have to stay at least five years, a prerequisite of the down payment assistance. And while our friends and great food are here, the industry and her family are not. Surprise surprise, she wants to stay here. And, she wants to make a concerted effort to move me closer to my dreams.

It's game time!

Do You Have A Tissue For My Daddy Issue?

The breaking into the film and television industry is just plain hard. You must work hard, put in long hours, and be creative, passionate, and relational. Good looks help, too. And still you might not make it.

Those chasing the dream have a day job to pay for the roof over their head and the cheese sandwich on their plate. Everything they do is for one goal: a career in Hollywood. And they're willing to sacrifice it all for that end. I, on the other hand, am a husband and father. I cannot leave those I love and the responsibilities that come with them to completely pursue my own dreams. Well, I could but then I'd be like my dad...

You see, my dad put his family second to his pursuits (think "Cats in the Cradle"). He would decide the direction the family would take and everyone was expected to follow. Many a summer I would fly out to see him, we'd spend that day together and the next he'd be on a plane for some meeting. And I get that it's exciting for him to pursue a new, cutting-edge business venture with hopes of a big return. He's worked hard to establish for himself a strong reputation as a businessman.

But as a father his reputation is one of failed promises, missed birthdays and no relationship with his kids. Am I willing to sacrifice these things to obtain a position as show runner for my own TV show? No.

So how do I get closer to the dream without sacrificing my family?

No answers. Only questions.

Can't Sleep

I spent the day nursing the flu so try and try as I may, I could not sleep. My mind kept thinking about this or that. And one thing I continually came back to was my desire to work in television.

Since leaving the farmlands of Normal, Illinois (yes, that's the name of the town) in '96 for the political charged Bay Area my focus has always been film. While others spent their Spring Breaks on the beach of Mexico engaging in debauchery I watched movies from sun up to sun down (I think I graduated college having watched over 3000 movies). When my friends would go party in the City, I worked weekends in a video store. Some spent their college grants on things like school, or clothes, or trips, I spent it on making my short films.

I studied film in college and had an awesome internship with a small production company, which allowed me hands-on experience with producing, production, and editing, and the opportunity to meet bands like Switchfoot, Steven Curtis Chapman, and Dishwalla.

The summer after I graduated I went to New York city and attended NYU's summer film program. And when I returned I had big plans. I had a couple of gigs in LA, I had a prospect to get into music video directing, some side editing work. I was set. And then...nothing.

The music video thing fell through. It got harder and harder to find work. Money was tight. I ended up working in a restaurant. I met a wonderful woman with an equally wonderful 2 year old son. We got married and had more kids, for a total of three. I left film work to get a full-time job with health benefits and regular hours. I started assistant coaching my sons' soccer team, feeding our beautiful, 9-month old daughter, looking over my sons' homework, And there's always discipline, reading books, washing dishes, and laundry. I go to PTA meetings and schmooze with other parents. Plan covert date nights. And in my head I conceive of a television show or work out a film idea, and that's as far as it goes.

"Where am I going", is the question. Is my dream to work in television just that, a dream? Will I end up a fireside filmmaker, full of ideas and criticism but never putting them into action? I'm reminded of "Livin' on a Prayer". Seems about right.